Table for Two: DIY Dating
In the slightly bastardized words of Jane Austen, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a young person enrolled in any sort of continued education must be in desperate want of a large fortune. The horror stories of subsiding off of half-packets of ramen and doubled-steeped bags of tea are, unfortunately, all true. And having recently passed into the academic afterlife, I am here as the bearer of bad news to tell you another depressing fact of life: it doesn’t get much better. I’ve spent the past three months living under my (incredibly generous) parents’ roof, working a hostessing job …
Table for Two: The Importance of Being Caffeinated
I’ve been drinking coffee since I was six years old. Yes, I know it seems a little young and probably contributed to my (lack of) height. True love knows no age.
Every Sunday after church my family would go out to breakfast, and I would always take on the task of preparing my mom’s coffee. I would shake the Sweet’N Low packets in a bunch, making sure all of the synthetic sugar crystals slid to the bottom before ripping them open and unleashing my own personal blizzard into the cup. Then, I’d carefully tear the tops off of two half …
Table for Two: Five Foodie Pick Up Lines
You know, I get that you like The Office-I do too. It’s a funny show. But I swear to you, the next time I hear the words “that’s what she said” follow any vague mention of the color white or the texture known as “creamy,” even ironically, I will lose my shizzles, friends. So old. Got my head in my hands, people.
Instead of chocking it up to the proverbially “she,” take control of your life and engineer your own innuendos. Be the she. Suggestive culinary innuendos pull double duty by clearly expressing your interest in an individual while testing their level of culinary comprehension. You want your children to have the foodie gene, don’t you?
Table for Two: Hot Weather Alternatives to Cuddling
Geese fly south for the winter, but snuggle bunnies have nowhere to turn when climbing temperatures render their soft, fuzzy warmth useless, even burdensome. Under these conditions, acting upon the innate desire to snuggle causes excessive sweat secretion and extreme discomfort in both the snuggle bunny and her mate. As they languish in the oppressive heat, the year-round desire for pseudo-sexual physical contact persists without satisfactory outlet. It is with this concern for the species that I present summer alternatives that fulfill the role of fun, flirty physical closeness without heat-related side effects.
The After Life: Summer Lovin’: Long-Distance Relationships and the 20-Something
Danny and Sandy had it pretty great. Casual meet-up on the beach, a little wholesome hanky-panky under the docks (depending on who you believe in that he-said-she-said fiasco), and everlasting romance through senior year and beyond (I mean, if your car flies, that’s a pretty good indicator of what you can expect from the rest of your life).
News flash!
Real life involves a lot fewer televised dance-offs, for one thing.
But more than that, starting—and continuing—a relationship during your undergrad years, and especially after graduation, takes dedication. When so many of us grow up, go to college, …
Table for Two: Childhood Favorites
Remember Orbitz? (Those fruity, clear beverages with colored bubbles suspended in the bottle.) Or those TV dinners with the penguin on the box? Remember when Doritos only came in one flavor? Or when pizza came on mini bagels, or was folded into a greasy pocket? Remember when you expressed yourself by which shape macaroni (spirals, elbow or cartoon character) and which cheese (Velveeta or Kraft) you ate? And how you were disappointed when you couldn’t distinguish the character-shaped mac ‘n’ cheese? Remember when breakfast had more sugar than the dessert we eat now?
Or maybe you don’t have to …
Table for Two: Lovebird Economics
Until very recently, women were not permitted to do anything in direct exchange for cash money dollar bills. We required a literal “middleman,” who bestowed shiny items upon us, which we could later pawn for cash money dollar bills if we so chose. This made paying for a cocktail, garden salad, cornish game hen, chocolate souffle or even a 5 cent ticket to see Breakfast at Tiffany’s logistically impossible. So you see the problem then, but not so much now, with splitsies.
Equal pay debate aside, the historical cause for men paying for women’s things has lost …
Oral Fixations: Love Like Chocolate
They say chocolate is good for you. Dark chocolate, specifically. It keeps you from aging and it makes you feel like you’re chemically in love.
But love is not entirely like chocolate. You can’t purchase it; you cannot give it as a hostess gift. You cannot select the quality or the filling. Love is not always mild and sweet like a bar of milky Cadbury. And I wouldn’t want love to be like an intense 90% Lindt bar, so bitter and cruel to the tongue that it feels like a prescription. But chocolate is reliable. It is readily available. …
Oral Fixations: The Morning-After Breakfast
I like slumber parties. The girly kinds with movie marathons and fruity cocktails are fun, but I much prefer the kind with a romantic interest. After a long night out on a date and then in bed, it’s nice to simply pass out with your lady or manfriend du jour. Plus, you get to be goopy and cuddle all night long. Who doesn’t love a good cuddle? And there’s always the possibility of morning sex, if you’re lucky.
But after morning sex, both parties might be hungry. Ravenous, in fact. Then what?
Breakfast protocol depends on a variety of factors. …
Table For Two: A Guide To Staging The Perfect Lover’s Walk
Spring time, oh spring time, the chirping of the birds, the blooming of the flowers, the gentle seasonal breeze, it’s one giant ball of romance just waiting to happen. Spring is my favorite season to be in love.
I know, I know, it sounds cheesy, and I’ll admit, it kind of is…but those blue skies and balmy temperatures make my heart sing out. I’m like Will Ferrel in Elf, I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it! And my favorite way to celebrate the exultations of my heart is by taking a long lovers’ walk through the neighborhood with my special someone. There is nothing like spending an entire afternoon or evening casually strolling, talking about everything and nothing, melting over the shared beauty that is the season, sharing in sappy feelings without necessarily acknowledging what is really going on.
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The BGSK Book
